Friday, January 15, 2010

What Haitians Will Miss at the Golden Globes

Host Ricky Gervais suddenly sobers up. Then the HFPA members stop looking down Penelope Cruz's dress as a somber but tanned George Clooney takes the stage. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Entertainment Industry," he intones. "As your personal assistants have no doubt made you aware by text, a catastrophe bigger than my movie 'Leatherheads' has struck the small country of Haiti. I'm sure you're all familiar with Haiti. We've all flown over it on our way to Mick Jagger's private island. Imagine if this fancy hall we're all in was suddenly struck by an earthquake bigger than one of James Cameron's special effects. Imagine being crushed by tons of concrete and being unable to tweet your many fans and lawyers. Then you'll begin to understand what the people of Haiti are going through.

These people face severe shortages of the most basic necessities we take for granted: food, water, lattes and late-night sushi. Mind you, things were already difficult in Haiti before the quake - the country's on movie theater was still showing "All About Steve." But now things are much, much worse.

As you know, I've just returned from my most recent humanitarian trip to Africa. But Darfur is so 2009. I'm sure you're all wondering, 'what can I have my assistant do for the people of Haiti?' I'm afraid we can't rely on others to help. Brad and Angelina have already adopted most of the third world. Instead, I want to to take that gift bag you just received, dig down deep inside and take out that diamond encrusted Tiffany's pen. As you may have heard, I'm hosting a telethon on January 22nd on all the major networks. It started at MTV, which took the unprecedented and amazing step of pre-empting 'Jersey Shore.' I want you to take that pen and write out a check to the telethon and call our number. Operators will be standing by and I'll personally make sure that each and every one of you gets a tote bag. I want you to urge each and every one of your fans not to see one of your movies next weekend but to contribute instead. I know that's a lot to ask.

I know I've taken up a lot of valuable time tonight - we still have to give the lifetime achievement award to Blake Lively. But I appreciate your help and consideration."

He leaves to rapturous applause as Keifer Sutherland takes the stage to announce the winner of "Best Musical Made for TV with an All-Straight Cast."