If I Were A Rich Man

I didn't win Mega Millions last night so I guess I'll have to go back to work on Monday...oh, I forgot. But if I did win it would prove my contention that it's easier for a middle-aged guy to win the lottery than to get a full-time job. Anyway, way back when I was in 9th grade I was plucked out of music theory class and cast as Tevye in the school production of "Fiddler on the Roof." Mind you, this was years before Alfred Molina became the other person with an Italian last name to be cast as Tevye. My big solo was "If I Were a Rich Man" and to this day I have all the lyrics memorized. These days I look at them in a different light than I did in 9th grade.

"I'd build a great big house with rooms by the dozen..." Nah, if I had millions I'd steer clear of real estate. What I'd love to do is sue my former employer for age discrimination. Unfortunately doing so would take all the millions I had. The Bush administration made it almost impossible for a litigant to prove age discrimination, certainly not without blowing lots of money on legal costs...and even then it would be difficult.

"I'd see my wife my Goldie, looking like a rich man's wife with a proper double chin..." I stopped trying to date when I lost my job on the advice of my female friends. They said their gender is leery of men who are "unemployed" or "under employed" for that matter. But if I had millions of lottery bucks I'd bet I'd make it beyond the second date.

"I'd fill my yard with chicks and turkeys and geese..." In Queens? are you kidding? They'd be stolen and fried within minutes.

"If I were rich I'd have the time that I lack to sit in the synagogue and pray..." I'll be honest, when I failed to get a new job after 4 months or so I panicked a bit. So I started going to mass for the first time in years. I gave it a really good try. But after I heard what the priests had to say about the matters of the day, and then watching the news...well, let's just say I gave up organized religion for Lent.

"Would it spoil some vast eternal plan, if I were a wealthy man?" I don't know about an eternal plan but it would certainly tick some people off. I wouldn't mind though.