Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The All Crying Baby Airline

My job search has hit yet another snag and it's time to get creative. So I was thinking - how about an airline that only has infants as passengers? There's already a pet-only airline and while that one is for the benefit of the animals, my infant-only service would benefit adults who would no longer have the screaming banshees to contend with alongside all the other indignities of modern travel.

The cabins would be lined with cribs that have tiny seat belts inside and there would be one or two adult attendants - deaf or hearing-impaired who would see to the little tykes.

I could just imagine the cabin announcement. "Hi kids, this is your captain speaking. I'm the underpaid adult who makes the airplane fly. We're going way up in the sky where the birdies are. But if you see any birdies let me know...and then crawl up into a tiny ball. I want to thank your parents for fobbing you off on KinderAir for our non-stop flight from New York to Los Angeles. Our in-flight entertainment will be a Barney episode that plays again and again - just the way you like it. And for today's meal you have a choice of mashed-up peas adults wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole or chicken nuggets made from goodness only knows parts of chickens. In case of emergencies little masks will come down into your cribs. Put them on your face or just stick the air tubes into your mouths and suck away. In case of a crash landing a big fun slide will come out and you can go weee all the way into the arms of waiting rescue personel. But don't worry about that stuff, just lie back, drool and enjoy your flight."

I could be the next Richard Branson, though I wouldn't waste my profits trying to set hot-air balloon records - heck I could hire nut jobs who want a reality show to do that.

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