Last Job in America Filled

(New York) U.S. Department of Labor officials confirmed Friday what most of America had pretty much surmised: the last job in the country has been taken. The position, a minimum-wage security guard at a New York city office building has gone to Hector Gomez, 23, of Queens, who told reporters he was "thrilled beyond words."

"It's a power trip," said Gomez, "I only have a G.E.D. and these guys who have Harvard MBAs and stuff have to see me before they can get in the building."

His bosses at Superior Security and Auto Rentals admit filling the position from over 600,000 applicants was easier than they expected. "Anyone with more than a grade-school education was overqualified" said CEO Jerry Sinclair "and anyone who was over 25 is basically too old" he added. Sinclair said Mr. Gomez's chief advantage was that he had only been arrested once, and was dating Mr. Sinclair's daughter, "which should make him easier to find."

Meanwhile, Americans continue to hold out hope that something would open up somewhere. Lines formed in Syracuse NY when a popular fry cook at the downtown McDonalds failed to show up for work Friday afternoon. Managers disbursed over 500 job-seekers telling them the fry cook merely had the flu. Some in the crowd refused to leave in hopes he had swine flu rather than the garden variety influenza.

At the Department of Labor official were less enthusiastic about employment possibilities. One official, who asked not to be identified told reporters the agency was looking into rumors an Arby's in Canada was expanding its midnight to 8am shift but there was little else.

This was way too easy to write - Bill